i have felt love…true and pure.
true love is that which is pure and divine.
true love is the love forlorn. the love hurt. the love ignored. the raw feeling of guilt you get from just seeing her face in tears. how you feel helpless at her first sob. how you can just tear the world apart for her haphappiness. how you can throw your own love for her into the rubbish just so that you can make her happy once again. how you can feel the pain, of love.

nothing hurts worse than love.

i have been in love. and i belive it happens only once. ive been there. i never will again. atleast not in the same way. my life is a big mess and i know not what to do with it. its a mess. its my mess. i have to live with it. even if it means shunning that which defiens me, away from me./ dont know what ive written so ill just shut up n go lie down.

what is love
is it the feeling you get when you reach the top of your hill, called life, look down at it and then fall down,not into the abyss of the mountain but into the arms of the one you love
love is divine, it hurts it cures. it feels it numbs, its warmth can chill you to the bones and leave you crying in desperation.
my life can be so hollow at times. my love is gone, shes no more a part of my life. the difination of me is no more. but i seek love again.i know i will never find it, but the very purity and strenght of love is so strong that the lusr ofr it can drive a man mad for a life time. i search for those warm hadns that can shelter me from the cold when i lie crying on the floor. love is warmth, it is the fire that kindles deep inside you, one that can burn all your fears away and liberate yyou from the dark assaults of time and sorrow, of pain and betrayel.
i seek a companion, not a lover, becuase i myself do not belive that anyone can love me like i have loved once. I stare back at those days, a stranger to the feeling again. did i betray her. did i betray myself.
no. she left me stranded in the rain. i had no option but to go back home if i had to survive, or i could have withered in the swallows of her quicksand.
i seek love, or atlest someone to hold on to. someone i can hold onto. someone i can love. someone whom i can take care of. caress her hair and whisper sweeet nothings in her ears. drown myself in the drunkeness of her eyes, be lost in the mystique of her life and to float away in the scent emanating from her body and feel the warmth of her soul. i want to love.
i want to survive. i want to live.
Oneday, i will find her. find my wife, my partner for the travels of life. find my love, my beauty, my inspiration, my love, my lady, my life, my definition, my compliment ,my supplement. find taht which makes me ME

Another night, another demise,
Cadaverous wind blowing cold as ice.
I`ll let the wind blow out the light,
‘Cuz it gets more painful Every Time I die.

Out of strength to fight,
I cannot take another night.
I cannot take it no more,
Lust of light slips through my fingers.
Like blood drips off my arms,
Black candle wax has buried me.
Children of Bodom – Everytime I Die

A few days ago I had written some thing in my copy…something about being betrayed. again and again…..not what I’ve written down here…much, much more than this……..there I had written down one line…

A line which I regret having ever written.

Will I ever trust again?
Yes.

Can I be more fucked up than this….No Way…..? My trust has been betrayed too often now….. I can’t take it no more… I’m no byway that you can just trample on… Say sorry (or not) and move on……….I won’t trust again. I wont love again…I wont feel those feelings again…..better to die. Than be betrayed again…will not take the risk of trusting anyone again…

will this mean that my friendship will be hollow from now? A hollow promise…like the ones I’ve always gotten……….

maybe so…maybe…or else. I might not even give that fake promise even……….

Trust is the thing that I held at the top of y list…along with respect. And loyalty……if these don’t exist…the relation doesn’t expect.

I want to forget how to trust…how to expect…how to expect people to be…nice….how to expect people to be kind…how to expect people to understand…

They’re all fuckin liars…..all of them

YOU…??

Yes you…..even ‘you’…I don’t even trust you…ya, you too angel, even you…whoever you may be….I cant even trust myself now…what might I put myself through next…another torture………

These last few months have been eye openers………I have learnt………..that only a fool is foolish enough to trust everyone around him…I was such a fool…no more…!!

Come in closer…stare at my eyes. See the poorest man in the world drowning in wealth. Look at me… stare at my face. I’m the freak your life told you to be afraid of. I am so many things…but none of them are any of the many things I’m supposed to be.
I am supposed to be this righteous and upright school captain…something I don’t think I ever lived up to be.
I was supposed to be an understanding brother with a cool attitude…I wasn’t…I let them down…doesn’t ask me why…I don’t know.
I’m supposed to be a lot of things…and I’m none of them….
how do I know that….that’s coz of the things that happen to me…I can see I never lived up to those expectations I had built up in the eyes of those around me….. I can’t be successful…ever…call me a defeatist…call me whatever you want…the point is…I lost…I was weak…I had the potential to win…but I guess I can never realize that potential in real terms.
I’m a lost cause….don’t sink with me….go…go live your life where I cant ruin it for you.

god……………!!!
help me…please…I’m weak….too weak to carry on….they will laugh at me…For being a weakling….but should I hide it…I guess Ii am ……….weak…………………..


A stranger in my own town.
The people I had held so close to myself are now deserting me, betraying me or simply ignoring me. It’s at times like these that I thank myself for having an alter-ego….one that can handle all these roughs of life. One which has seen through the veil into the real eyes of humanity . One that knows what really lies behind every face/. I know the selfishness that guides us…that forms our existence. Five betrayals in half a month. I should have been crippled…I almost was. Had it not been for my being used to this, I would have been…a cripple and don’t know when I would have recovered…I have learnt to have my expectations broken.

two ‘friends’ of mine….I had started trusting them…very, very much…..we were close … a group …worked together …studied together .. took on the world together…..then they stabbed me.

two younger brothers of mine……same result….fuckin nuthin means more to them than themselves…I’m drinking my own tears as I sit and contemplate why then never told me anything….what had been my mistake……..what had I done that they became so distant……they just left me standing in the rain. Wet and morose.

Another person I had held close to my heart…almost a very good friend of mine…or more….she is ignoring me…again I know not why….just that id better get lost……I will…I intend to…..again…I will go back into my small jail inside my mind…..one where I can lie still without anyone probing.

when your alone…no one can hurt you…you have no feelings…so how can you be hurt…ha ha…..schizo ………………!!!!!!!

down in a hole,,,,loosing my soul….down in a hole….. feeling so small…..down in a hole….out of controle.. id like to fly..but my wings have been so denied…!!!
Alice in Chains – Down in a hole

I’m a broken man… I cant tell anyone about it…..but I’m writing about it right here…one place where I can let it all out and not feel the shocks it would have otherwise generated.

even she is gone now… has my love gone too…???
I need to mourn….will I….?? When can I..??? I can’t afford to sit down and mourn…time flies by and with it so many more opportunities…?? Am I becoming like those…’concerned’ people……cant you se how friggin confused I am right now……fuckin don’t know what I’m saying……….FUCKKK!!!!!!!!!
Get lost……everyone…just get out of my life…leave me alone…….hate me…….kill me….do whatever you want…. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFEplease let me die in peace…!!!