Willoan

There lived a shy being called Willoan. Deep in the forests did he dwell. Alone, like the scattered wind that roams its kingdom with the company of many but alone still for none bides by his way for more than their calling.
So roamed the realms of the worlds our Willoan but after each of his journeys to his joyous little garden did he return. hidden deep in the woods, in the middle of a shallow pond he spent his days. Dreaming, of the stars that bejewel the night, whispering to the birds that brought him tidings of his merry worlds afar, leaning on the dark trees as they swayed with the mighty winds and let their leaves rustle when they glided softly by.
Alone in this majesty did he reside. Never in want of anything, never living with the fears of the day. He followed the eve into its descent for the night and the night back into tis climb for the dawn. He pranced in the meadows with the deers and swallows and lurked in the night with the wolves and their shadows. A life of tranquility was his, but still filled with the phatom of desires.
A phantom I say for he had only heard of this thing they called esire but enver had he known it in its truest sense. For all that he had ever imagined was his, he had wnadered the world afar from the shores of the north to the white mountains of the South. Alone and in company had he drifted, passing by the corridors of the woods and then by the riverside. He had seen what the world had to offer and in contenment did he survive. Desire to him was nothing more than the mist of a dream we wake up from but once awake its always a little shadow on the corners of our eyes, flirting with our senses, always slipping away the moment we bend out to touch it. So my friends, desire he had felt but knowing is altogether a different crime.

to be continued

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Love can mess you up … big time…….

and in ways, manners and at tiems that you could never imagine …
Here i was .. thinking idbeen cheated out of emotions by life .. thinking that this one woman had trammled my soul so down deep into the eart hthat it was almost impossible for me to feel any emotions ……
well she called … then i called … we talked … we chatted …. we laughed … we hada good time
Still no emotions .. all seems to be going as expected…
then enters into picture the little lady ….. all of a sudden .. like a powerblast that knowcks the wind out of me .. i thought id faded her out of my life for my own good … it seems not … it seems that some people you can try to forget .. but your heart never wanders away from them …. its like theyre part of the air you breathe everyday … and since youve been doing it over and over again for the hwole of your life .. you dont realise it until you do realise it ……….. for no rhyme and reason … this little lady … can shatter me deep … destroy my show of exuberence and confidence ….
how around her .. i jsut turn into a little guy ….. wodnering where hes at .. wondering if she didnt trerat him right if he didnt treat her right …. knwoing that theres always that little tension tying the two souls together .. knwoing that ill always be jealous of every eye that lands on her …. knowing that i can be happy away from her … knowing that she can .. and does … push something in my mind that brigns back all these memories … knowing that she cares for me … knwoing that she will forgive my mistakes for my past graces …… and i feel guilty for taking advantage of that ………….. and then i feel sad …. not depressed … but on the verge of the cliff and not exactly falling off … its the one split econd before the fall when ur just staring into the deaths of the abyss and trying to conure into your mind what will happen to you when you do fall ……….
somehow knowing that shed rather spend tiem with her other friend .. who cares more for her than me …………. a fact ……….. kills me deep inside ………i dont give a fuck about her boyfriend ………. somehow … that epic line i once said but never believed reverbarates in side my head again and again like a roar …….. “it hurts so much more to loose then friend in you than the girl i loved” …………….. here is the one girl .. who can somehow arouse any emotions in me …….. someone who can touch my heart with a single smile and suddenly i know im alive ……….. pain makes you feel so alive ………… she takes me for all that i am .. an idiotic possesive uncaring lunatic ……….. and she cares … even if not like she once did …. but then ….. i odnt even deserve that ……….
i really dont know whats the point of this rant ……………… is it that i wanna get with her …. i guess not …. that would never work and shed never want me if i did …………. no .. somehow .. the relationship angle isnt hte one thats btoehring me .. and i dont really know what is ….. its a little nagging sensation in my head .. that keeps tellign me .. im close to finding out whats bothering me ………………………
is the fact that i dont take care of her like i once did …………. maybe …. is it because im jealous of her BF …. i hardly believe that … i dont care about him …. i am jealous .. but barely … its not like if she were single id be kneeling down before her .. atleast i think not …….
is it the fact that im jealous of this new friend of hers ……… ive always been more jealous of her Best Friends than anyone hwo was into her … got no other boyfriends ever xcpt ayaz for me to be jealous of so i really dont know ……………. but what i do know is … im more … i guess
i guess im JUST FUCKIN PISSED AT MYSELF FOR LETTING THINGS GET THIS WAYYY!!!!!!
If i wanted distance then why am i fucking them up now ….. but more importantly ……….. if i did illtreat her …. why the fuck did i do that ………. and what am i gonna do now …………………..
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!
FUCK!!!
FUCK!!!!

i dont deserve my kiddo …. and i miss her …. and i hate myself ………. thankgod no one reads this goddamned journal xcpt u 3-4