“Define her”, he said.

It’d have been easier if he had just asked me why the stars shone so bright tonight.

I did wonder, why could I see stars in hell. I think this was hell, why else was i with her.

He looked me crossly in the eye like child who had just discovered a nasty little secret.

“Define her,” he emphasised this time, rolling his fingers over the key around his neck. “Now”. A threat was implied.

I wondered if I had an option. best not to take chances. So i did, or at least tried. How co you possibly define her. How can you define something you don’t understand. But the lack of an option was resolution enough for me to venture forth.

“And”, she said, “before you start, tell me of what she is, regale me with her legend. Lend me your mind so i may share the vision. breathe life into the lore that brought you here, tell me of this maiden of whom you spoke. Who is the cause and the key. Tell me, who she was.” And you could see he was smiling though it would be impossible to figure out whether it was a smile of mirth or something else.

And thus i ventured.

“She is my sun and my stars, my light and the dark. When she spoke the clouds parted and I could see where it was that I was headed and when she cried the rains poured throughout the heaves and all of creation wilted. But like the wonder that is life she emerged from the dark cold night like a lily covered in morning dew. Shining in her simple innocence.

She changed me in many way, ways I saw and those that I didn’t. Change isn’t always good. My heart bled for her and because of her. She touched and ripped my heart and soul. She could not be mine and that was my destiny. This loss I couldn’t bear and this life I didn’t want. her pleasure in my demise burnt me with rage. Her smile was a torment for I knew it was destined for another. Every moment I saw her my mind would race and rip me apart from the inside. To this day I lived as such and today here I stand.”

She plucked the key and motioned towards the door. There was screaming coming from inside. i sighed and moved on.

____________________________

“Define her”, he said.

It’d have been easier if he had just asked me why the stars so bright tonight.

I did wonder, why could I see stars in heaven. I think this was heaven, why else was I with her.

He looked me crossly in the eye like child who had just discovered a nasty little secret.

“Define her,” he emphasised this time, rolling his fingers over the key around his neck. “Please”. The promise of a smile crept up her face.

I wondered if I had an option. How could I not talk about her. . So i did, or at least tried. How could you possibly define her. How can you define something you don’t understand. But the lack of an option was resolution enough for me to venture forth.

“And”, she said, “before you start, tell me of what she is, regale me with her legend. Lend me your mind so i may share the vision. breathe life into the lore that brought you here, tell me of this maiden of whom you spoke. Who is the cause and the key. Tell me, who she was.” And you could see he was smiling though it would be impossible to figure out whether it was a smile of mirth or something else.

And thus i ventured.

“She is my sun and my stars, my light and the dark. When she spoke the clouds parted and I could see where it was that I was headed and when she cried the rains poured throughout the heaves and all of creation wilted. But like the wonder that is life she emerged from the dark cold night like a lily covered in morning dew. Shining in her simple innocence.

She changed me in many way, ways I saw and those that I didn’t. Change isn’t always bad you know. My heart bled for her and because of her. She touched my heat and soul. Alas she could not be mine and that was my destiny. This loss I couldn’t bear and this life I didn’t want. The option was simple. I had to love her, for to not was not the option that presented itself. My life was to become a temple to cherish the love she showed I could posses. Her pleasure was neough to shadow my demise. Her smile, at one time torment for I knew it was destined for another, was today the reason to venture forth and lead a life worthy of the love I had felt. She may not be mine but the love I felt was and it was enough to keep this simple man happy. I would meet someone else or maybe not, but love like this could not be wasted for even a moment. I cherished her and so my life. Every moment I saw her my mind would race and make me smile. To this day I lived as i lived and here I stand.”

She plucked the key and motioned towards the door. I could see creep in from the other side. I looked back once and then moved on.

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Dv, Thank you.
For being there when i needed someone to care. For having faith in my abilities and letting me believe i really wasnt a washed out old fool. 😀
For being the shoulder I could lean on and the friend who would reassure me that everything will be all right. That I was good and shouldn’t doubt myself so much.
We shared a journey and those memories are ours.
Thank you for holding my hand when I felt so lost. Thank you for caring enough to ask. And thank you mroe than anything else for reminding me of all the wonders of my past.
When I thought i was wandering the lanes o life not knowing where to go you came into my life and showed me the treasure of memories I have. I realised once again the need to simply have fun.
I have a new life, a new belief and after all these years once again a passion in my heart. And for all of this I thank you.
The moments I spent with you will be cherished forever and your beauty will always be a memory that keeps me smiling. ‘Pretty’ indeed if you recall.
I’m happy that i leave this place having earned another good friend and hope that someday our paths will cross again.
love,
Ankit 🙂

Why Arul Vanorien?

Why The Scribe?

Why Lonver’s Journal? (No i did not intend to play on the world Lover)

Why is it the Book of Raen? (and no Rain here either)

Because masks are the faces we want the world to see. Truth isnt everything.

Lies are sometimes the best paths to an objective.

Mystery add’s spice to your life, no matter what the mystery is about.

Here the mystery is not my identity but rather why this feeble attempt to cover it and stick with ti after all these years. Oh well these questions are for a later day, gotta finish the fucking memorial right now!!!

Damn it but she looked gorgeous that day!!!

Saw a picture of hers while I was browsing through some olc pics and i swear my heart skipepd a beat for a second. No not because of love. Not because it hurts. I was jsut surprised to see it there. I no longer feel sad for the way things didnt work out, in a way its a relief but yes i do feel sad for loosing out on someone i really used to have a lot of fun with.

I may have lost some respect for her, I know i was at fault too and circumstances (like that little PMSing imp would scare her or even me every now and then, the national selections or freshers, the pic i saw was one of her in a car outside my hostel and later one from this years freshers) … I pray you havea good life and like those few friends that i know ive lost forever … she will be missed.

Ah, how time changes all things.

Your idols of yesterday can become your friends of today and acquaintances of tomorrow. All it takes is a flash of the little hands of the watch, or maybe a few billion of them, and suddenly you find yourself in a universe so different. And what adds to the endearing romance of this moment is that sometimes this momentous alteration can take place suddenly and wit ha rush and only because of one small realization. One moment can change the universe, one moment can rob you of the light and a moment can give you the gift of life.

One day the heavens revolved around the earth and the next day we learnt it wasn’t our earth but really the sun. There really was no change in the universe, just a realization. And it transformed the way we perceive reality. It makes you question, question the essence of everything you had stood fo till that moment. Realization I say is the birth of character.

Today, or maybe yesterday, but truly in a single moment my universe changed its axis, I dotn know if this change was finally towards the sun but certainly it isn’t the earth anymore. A simple realization that is so mundane that we seem to miss the value of its message. Time can change anything. And it doesn’t even need to change everything to affect everything.

I was talking to kiddo today, and on a similar strain the day before. And for the first time ever, her telling me about the ‘new guy’ in her life had no effect on me except for true elation and excitement. Like a little boy whose friend just told him about a new ice cream he’s discovered.

No fear, no panic, no remorse. No pain, no doubt. Pleasure and excitement. Pure and simple. And the realization that caused this change was simple.

She isn’t perfect.

Maybe I should rephrase. She was never perfect, god forbid she ever will be or I ever meet perfection personified. What I mean is that as the little boy who fell in love for the first time, the one to whom she would forever be ‘the one that got away’, the world could have never provided a more exhilarating example of an idol to adore.

Like the fire that guides us through life, feeding our passion, burning our emotions, she was the aim that kept me going. Earn to please her, feel to tell her, jump with joy just to see her try higher. My life was dedicated to keeping her happy, because doing that made me feel complete. I have seen in all these movies this side character who makes it his/her mission to help the ace meet the challenge the world has thrown open and I kept wondering to myself. This is so noble, to give oneself up so that another may reach the goal you could not. To achieve perfection or its closest semblance. But even then I would repeat to myself, that cannot be me. I need to reach for the goal myself. But all these years I was becoming the aide who would help her achieve happiness.

Some of my friends hate what I did to myself at the cost of helping her, some admire it and others simply accept it. Thankfully none of them ever take it out on her.

Ah let me come back to the point. Over these years the objective of keeping her happy was my personal pursuit of perfection and happiness. Keeping her happy truly made me happy. It doesn’t feel all that noble ( I accept it does a little) and it feels more selfish than I would have accepted earlier. The journey has given me more than I could have imagined a mere 5 years ago. And today I learnt. She isn’t who she was anymore. A few years ago the one thing I could not stop adoring her for was her die-hard romanticism. The pure belief that her objective in life was to love. But over the years I have observed what might be called maturity, acceptance, mutation … there is no lack of differing opinions, but the facts remain, I have seen that part of her change and maybe it is dead today. She accepts that vanity matters to her. She accepts arrogance is important for her as an aphrodisiac. That my humility and lack of looks was the first hurdle in our being a couple but in fact was the biggest catalyst to our becoming the life-long-bound-souls we have ended up becoming. She isn’t perfect anymore because there is no longer that fire in her to pursue. She needs a relationship like I craved for my first one. I’m still hungry but not craving anymore but hers has become a sort of a need. It almost made me sad for her till I realized, maybe I’m just being bitter and judgmental because she’s had three relationships while I have none.

And here cometh the second realization. Something that had already bit me in the ass and kicked me in the face when I had ended one of the darkest chapters of my life. Just like the pursuit of perfection gave my life meaning, so does the pursuit of happiness. What I was about to label as a flaw in her to drop her from my altar of perfection is actually a realization that the alter I now worship is even higher than her, she hasn’t fallen but my aim has risen. Her road to happiness was my idol. The answer always lay before me but I lacked that one element I’ve been circumambulating in this entire monologue. My aim changed.

To the altar of “Happiness is reason enough to do, to be and to will.”